1 post tagged “(more than just) a review of iron man”

Let’s face it: Superhero movies are a dreadfully mixed bag. Most kick all sorts of ass visually, but their plots can vary in quality from superb (Batman Begins, X-Men) to fairly decent (Spider-Man, X-Men 2) to offensively terrible (Fantastic Four, Catwoman). I just took the kids to see Iron Man yesterday – the newest offering from Marvel and Paramount – and as you might expect I have opinions to share.

But first, silly ramblings!

Opening weekend is positively the worst time to see a movie. Every facet of the experience reminds you how contemptible the average Joe really is – from the endless line of people so mottled and moist you wouldn’t touch them with a set of salad tongs to the intermittent, phlegmy rattle of the mouth-breathing TB victim in a nearby seat. The only voluntary events I can think of that are similarly galling are dining out at buffet restaurants and swimming at public water parks.

The line wasn’t that bad, actually, since we showed up a good half-hour before show time, but whatever anguish I avoided by being prompt was duly made up for by my having to surrender the entire contents of my wallet (including my coupon for a free crunchy taco from Taco Bell) and one of my testicles (they let me choose which one; I went with the right).

We didn’t stop by the snack counter because 1) I hate having to visit the restroom halfway through the movie and 2) I really wanted to keep my other nut.

Seating Derangements

There were maybe a dozen or so people in the theater when we sat down and most of them were the odd types who like to sit right smack up against the screen, which is something I have never personally understood; but who am I to judge, especially when it means the best seats in the house – halfway back, dead center – are left available for me and mine?

Now, it's not as if I was expecting to have the whole damn row for just the three of us, this being only the third day of release and all, but I also didn’t think the place would be so crowded as to force me to fight for the armrest. And it really wasn’t that crowded at all; it was just that the pimply guy with the sideways baseball cap and anorexic girlfriend lacked any normal level of social tact and felt it appropriate to drop his bony ass, with a surprising thud, into the seat directly adjacent to mine.

I’d have been alright with the cozy atmosphere Pimples tha Gangsta had just created, except that he smelled like a sweating salami smothered in cigarette butts. What’s more, he had tried to cover over his meaty aroma with a liberal dousing of some musky cologne that I’m guessing was a member of the patchouli family. Had I been blind, I would have figured Death himself had made a quick stop at a delicatessen before coming to the theater to take me to the other side.

I weighed my options: I could let my new movie companion know what I thought of his personal scent by vomiting ramen and iced tea into his lap; I could spend the entire movie covering my nose with one arm and defending my share of the armrest with the other; I could call an usher and ask him to clean up the pile of rancid salami some jerk had left in the seat next to mine; Or I could simply get Zach and Amanda to scooch over a couple seats. Any of the first three options would have been as entertaining as the movie itself, but I decided on the last option because I’m unpredictable like that. Sadly, once we’d scooted over a couple seats, Lanky McLunchmeat and his girl moved over as well. He was able to keep his lap ramen-free, however, by astutely leaving an empty seat between us.

Just before the lights dimmed, a group of Jr. High boys sloughed in and started looking for three seats together in the front section. They were dressed entirely in black, right down to their fingernails, and each had the definitive slab of jet-black hair pasted down over one eye. Bits of metal could be seen glimmering from several points in each of their pale, forlorn faces.

“Look!” said Amanda, “Emos!”

“Wow, how rare to see them in the wild like this,” I replied. Panda burst out laughing. “Shhhh, careful! You’ll spook them!”

The Actual Review

I’m going to go ahead and admit Iron Man has never been one of my favorite superheroes. For me, he’s always had a sort of ho-humness about him. I feel the same way about The Human Torch and Flash. I can’t really quantify it other than to say they just didn’t do enough for my adolescent imagination; didn’t intrigue me the way heroes like Spider-Man and Batman did. Nevertheless, when I heard one of my favorite actors of all time, Robert Downey, Jr., was set to play Tony Stark, I knew I’d be unable to wait for the DVD. Then, when I finally saw a trailer, I actually got excited enough to entertain the idea of seeing the film during opening weekend.

The CGI is, of course, nearly immaculate. The special effects team outdid themselves smoothing the seams between reality and computer-generated imagery. The comic book movements of the characters were, in my view, more realistic than what we’ve seen previously (even if the laws of physics are still more-or-less ignored) and the mechanical functionality of the suit was very believable indeed.

Like any good science fiction story, there are socio-political allegories drawn, but none any more overt than what you’d read in Iron Man comics. The movie has just the right amount of humor delivered at just the right times and, thankfully, neither Stark’s alcoholism nor the romance between Stark and Pepper are played up to any significant degree. It’s mostly just good old punch-em-up, blast-em-down action! I’m trying very hard to avoid giving away any spoilers, so forgive me for the lack of details.

If you dig superhero movies but really felt screwed over by Hulk, I’d encourage you to let that old wound heal and go see Iron Man. It's two full hours of shiny superhero goodness.

Oh, and one last tip: stay in your seat until the lights come back on! You’ll want to know who shows up at Stark’s house after the credits roll.